Oh hello there my anonymous emo blog. I don't even know if this post will actually get published or stay as a draft forever, but here goes. Had a good chat today with friends, and talked about relationships, people getting attached and whatnot. Then inevitably I shared my own life updates. It's rather contradictory but I was so happy I could finally talk about it to someone, but at the same time I didn't want to talk about it. Of course your friends will always tell you to jiayou and go for it, but I'm not even sure I want to. Which brings me to the next contradiction. Looking at my history of non-relationship and crushes, this has seen a damn good response. But at the same time I wholeheartedly believe that it won't work. I feel like I'm too scared to try to go for her for real, so I'm telling myself that I'm just trying to get to know her better as a friend first and mind my boundaries, so I can put off asking her out for as long as possible. Maybe it's because I'm still not completely over my previous crush. But it's more likely because of the damage I got from it. It's so fucking clichéd and cheesy and I'm cringing just typing this out but the whole process scarred me. In hindsight, and with the new perspective I have now, I see how fucking blind I was and how hard I tried to convince myself to see things in a way that was convenient to me. On hindsight, the times that I thought things were going well or whatever I took as a positive sign, all of it was just me giving myself false hope. And it scares the shit out of me. Because everything good that happens now can be interpreted as "she doesn't like you dude stop kidding yourself, look what happened the last time you gave yourself false hope and look how badly it fucking wrecked you." So I'm basically more terrified of a positive reaction than a negative reaction from her, which doesn't make the slightest bit of sense and I fucking hate it. Also there's the problem of my self-esteem. Or the lack thereof. That I find it unfathomable how anyone could ever come to like me at all. Which once again contradicts with chasing after girls. Or maybe I secretly hope I would be proven wrong. I think I should go to sleep.