There were some girls that I liked, who didn't feel the same way about me. There were some girls who liked me, but I didn't feel the same way about them. There were some girls I liked who liked me, but things didn't work out because of something or another. When I really think about it, I just happen to have not met the right person at the right time yet. In all likelihood, it's pretty likely I'll eventually find someone I'll settle down with at some point. But despite all this, I still feel so hopeless and lonely so often and it really sucks. Is this some quarter life crisis shit?

Oh hello there my anonymous emo blog. I don't even know if this post will actually get published or stay as a draft forever, but here goes. Had a good chat today with friends, and talked about relationships, people getting attached and whatnot. Then inevitably I shared my own life updates. It's rather contradictory but I was so happy I could finally talk about it to someone, but at the same time I didn't want to talk about it. Of course your friends will always tell you to jiayou and go for it, but I'm not even sure I want to. Which brings me to the next contradiction. Looking at my history of non-relationship and crushes, this has seen a damn good response. But at the same time I wholeheartedly believe that it won't work. I feel like I'm too scared to try to go for her for real, so I'm telling myself that I'm just trying to get to know her better as a friend first and mind my boundaries, so I can put off asking her out for as long as possible. Maybe it's because I'm still not completely over my previous crush. But it's more likely because of the damage I got from it. It's so fucking clichéd and cheesy and I'm cringing just typing this out but the whole process scarred me. In hindsight, and with the new perspective I have now, I see how fucking blind I was and how hard I tried to convince myself to see things in a way that was convenient to me. On hindsight, the times that I thought things were going well or whatever I took as a positive sign, all of it was just me giving myself false hope. And it scares the shit out of me. Because everything good that happens now can be interpreted as "she doesn't like you dude stop kidding yourself, look what happened the last time you gave yourself false hope and look how badly it fucking wrecked you." So I'm basically more terrified of a positive reaction than a negative reaction from her, which doesn't make the slightest bit of sense and I fucking hate it. Also there's the problem of my self-esteem. Or the lack thereof. That I find it unfathomable how anyone could ever come to like me at all. Which once again contradicts with chasing after girls. Or maybe I secretly hope I would be proven wrong. I think I should go to sleep.

Moving on, or at least trying

Some days I feel like I've definitely moved on, and some days I have to try so hard not to fall for you all over again. Today was among the latter. It's scary how a simple photo could bring back a flood of memories, and with them, emotions. I look at you and I still see the wonderful human being I fell so hard for, except now it has sunk in that my chance is long gone, if it was there to begin with. At the very least, I won't be getting any more false hopes, like I have been for far too long. But I suppose this is still gonna take a while. I wish I could say this to you without making things awkward, but thank you for still being a friend.

To the girl I just can't seem to get over

I need to get this off my chest and since nobody reads this blog anymore (who am I kidding lol, nobody read this blog in the first place),this seems like the safest place to do it. It's 4:28 in the morning/night(?), I can't sleep because my head is filled with thoughts. Thoughts of you. Again. I've been stuck at this line for a couple of minutes because there are so many things going on in my head and I have no idea how to start. I guess this is gonna be just a sequence of random unorganised thoughts. I don't know how many times this has happened. I don't see you for a while. Maybe I meet a nice girl and I sort of have a crush on her. Then I sigh in relief and convince myself that I did it. That's I've finally gotten over you. That I will no longer suffer for desiring that which is way out of my reach. Then BOOM. I see you and all the memories come back and I fall for you all over again. Okay hold up that didn't come out quite right; it sounded almost as if we used to date or something. We never did and you probably never even noticed my feelings for you. But it doesn't matter, the point is that I have enough bittersweet memories of you that it hurts. Speaking of memories, I still recall vividly the first time I noticed you (fuck, that came out kind of creepy, I didn't mean it to sound creepy). It was a Wednesday afternoon, a rather sunny one. Science lab ended a little late, I needed to get to UCC soon and the bus wasn't coming in more than a few minutes so I decided it'd be faster to just walk. Then on the way, just past the UCC bus stop (probably not its real name, but it was the bus stop closest to UCC), I saw this girl. She was in front and I couldn't really see her face or her figure (sorry, just being a typical guy here), but there was just something about her that made me look. Like she had a certain grace, in the way she walked as the shafts of light leaking through the leaves were falling on her. I wondered if she was heading the same way I did. But no way, shit like that only happen in movies, and this was the part where she turned to walk in a different direction and we'd never cross path again. Except it didn't happen that way. I didn't believe my eyes when she turned towards UCC, walked past Alcove to go to the back entrance, with the security counter where you get your visitor passes. She stopped to find her name on the security name list while I walked to her side and followed her fingers with my eyes, trying to find out her name. And there it was, on the piece of paper, next to where she put down her signature to receive the security pass. Then she turned to the side and I managed to take a glance at her face. My breath was taken away. I tried to say hi, or just say something, or anything, but no words came out, like I just suddenly lost the ability to make sound with my vocal chord. Awkward me being myself, it wasn't something I had not already been used to, but that didn't make it any less disappointing. Then she walked past me and upstairs, while I stood there feeling stupid. I got my pass and walked upstairs, desperate trying to think up ways to somehow say hi. Then out of nowhere, she said something to me. TO ME. "Are we late for class yet?", I can still recall. It was a good moment before I responded, partly because her accent caught me by surprise, and partly because I was so stunned (I don't remember if I had to turn around to check if she wasn't talking to someone else, but I probably did). After the class, I somehow plucked up the courage to say hi and started talking to her, which is something I still regard as a miracle to this day, given how fucking awkward and shy I was (and still am). Anyway we talked as we queued to take attendance (and what a damn long queue it was, not that I minded), I felt a little guilty when I asked for her name (since I already had already known it from earlier), but all in all it worked out pretty well. By the next practice on that same week's Saturday, another miracle happened and I got her number. Your number. Yes in case it's not obvious enough, that girl is you. I don't know how to end this nicely so I'm just going to move on to the next part of this messy cloud of thoughts. All that probably seems trivial to normal people because they do this friend-making thing all the time (do they? I think they do), and so effortlessly too. But to me it was one of the minor turning points in my life where I was shown I could talk to people if I tried and told myself I would put in a little more effort to step out of my comfort zone to try and be less awkward. Also it was one of the times you unknowingly impacted my life and changed it for the better, which is partly why I remember it so clearly. People have asked me if I liked anyone in Blast and when I answered with your name, they just laughed it off like it was a matter of course thing, like "duh which guy doesn't like her". Not that I'm surprised; you're drop dead gorgeous and you probably have a ton of guys wanting to ask you out (what am I saying, you DEFINITELY have a ton of guys wanting to ask you out), but my affection for you has never really been about your looks. Not that I don't find you pretty, because I still stare at you without realising it sometimes, but that there are so many things I find more attractive about you than just your looks. Like the way you put your heart into it when you dance. The way you're so graceful, gentle and elegant in how you speak and act. The way you put others before you. The way you dare to aim high and tackle your challenges head on instead of taking the easy way out. The way you're so humble despite being so damned good at what you do. The expression you have when you're focused in your work. All these and so much more that my limited writing abilities don't allow me to put into words. I'm not just attracted to you in a guy-girl sort of way, I also have a lot of admiration and respect for you (and I don't use the word respect lightly). In many ways you're the person I wish I could be. Which is why I don't feel like I'll ever be a match for you, at least not the way I am. You're so completely out of my league, and again and again I've given up on the pipe dream of being with you, but the feelings never go away. So at least I've decided to turn these feelings into my motivation. You make me feel inadequate, but you also make me want to become a better person. You're the one I think of when I feel like giving up. You give me the strength to push on even if you don't know it, and for that I am thankful. I'm also sorry for the things I've done, and the things I should have done but didn't. I'm sorry for the times I've left you hanging, when I was supposed to support and help you but ended up making you clean up my mess. I'm sorry for the times I saw you down and depressed but didn't do anything to help. The guilt still destroys me every time I think about it and I'm secretly terrified that you probably haven't forgiven me since that time. And even if you have, I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to forgive myself. I've been trying my best to atone, to make it up to you, but I don't know if it'll ever be enough. I'm going to just keep trying, however, because that's all I can do. Wow. That was much longer than anything I've ever written. I'm happy that I've been able to be honest with myself and let out all the things that have been bottling up inside me for such a long time, even though everything was in a jumble. I suppose I've got to thank the fact that this blog is more or less hidden and unknown to people I know in real life. On the off chance that somebody who knows me and what I talked about is reading, please just pretend you didn't see anything and carry on with your life. On the really really off chance that YOU are reading this... First, how the hell did you get here, and second, I suppose I'm glad you've read this, because these are all the things I've wanted to tell you but never had the guts to do it. It will most likely be a very long time until I touch this blog again, but for now, signing off.

Feeling so useless and wracked with guilty I can't even face myself anymore. I'm sorry for being a burden. Maybe all this responsibility has always been too much for me. Someone else would have done a much better job

Gotta put this down so it stops bothering me

As much as I wanted to be there to watch, and to support everyone single one of you, I couldn't bring myself to do it. I know I'd just feel little but burning jealousy, endless regrets, and a bitter taste in my mouth. I've been there before, and I don't want to be there again. I hope you don't misunderstand, and don't hate me for it

Went all gaga over this really hot girl today. Felt really down after finding out she's attached and now i feel fucking pathetic. Despite all we the things we say, in the end guys are just shallow creatures who think with our dicks. Or maybe it's just me