To the girl I just can't seem to get over

I need to get this off my chest and since nobody reads this blog anymore (who am I kidding lol, nobody read this blog in the first place),this seems like the safest place to do it. It's 4:28 in the morning/night(?), I can't sleep because my head is filled with thoughts. Thoughts of you. Again. I've been stuck at this line for a couple of minutes because there are so many things going on in my head and I have no idea how to start. I guess this is gonna be just a sequence of random unorganised thoughts. I don't know how many times this has happened. I don't see you for a while. Maybe I meet a nice girl and I sort of have a crush on her. Then I sigh in relief and convince myself that I did it. That's I've finally gotten over you. That I will no longer suffer for desiring that which is way out of my reach. Then BOOM. I see you and all the memories come back and I fall for you all over again. Okay hold up that didn't come out quite right; it sounded almost as if we used to date or something. We never did and you probably never even noticed my feelings for you. But it doesn't matter, the point is that I have enough bittersweet memories of you that it hurts. Speaking of memories, I still recall vividly the first time I noticed you (fuck, that came out kind of creepy, I didn't mean it to sound creepy). It was a Wednesday afternoon, a rather sunny one. Science lab ended a little late, I needed to get to UCC soon and the bus wasn't coming in more than a few minutes so I decided it'd be faster to just walk. Then on the way, just past the UCC bus stop (probably not its real name, but it was the bus stop closest to UCC), I saw this girl. She was in front and I couldn't really see her face or her figure (sorry, just being a typical guy here), but there was just something about her that made me look. Like she had a certain grace, in the way she walked as the shafts of light leaking through the leaves were falling on her. I wondered if she was heading the same way I did. But no way, shit like that only happen in movies, and this was the part where she turned to walk in a different direction and we'd never cross path again. Except it didn't happen that way. I didn't believe my eyes when she turned towards UCC, walked past Alcove to go to the back entrance, with the security counter where you get your visitor passes. She stopped to find her name on the security name list while I walked to her side and followed her fingers with my eyes, trying to find out her name. And there it was, on the piece of paper, next to where she put down her signature to receive the security pass. Then she turned to the side and I managed to take a glance at her face. My breath was taken away. I tried to say hi, or just say something, or anything, but no words came out, like I just suddenly lost the ability to make sound with my vocal chord. Awkward me being myself, it wasn't something I had not already been used to, but that didn't make it any less disappointing. Then she walked past me and upstairs, while I stood there feeling stupid. I got my pass and walked upstairs, desperate trying to think up ways to somehow say hi. Then out of nowhere, she said something to me. TO ME. "Are we late for class yet?", I can still recall. It was a good moment before I responded, partly because her accent caught me by surprise, and partly because I was so stunned (I don't remember if I had to turn around to check if she wasn't talking to someone else, but I probably did). After the class, I somehow plucked up the courage to say hi and started talking to her, which is something I still regard as a miracle to this day, given how fucking awkward and shy I was (and still am). Anyway we talked as we queued to take attendance (and what a damn long queue it was, not that I minded), I felt a little guilty when I asked for her name (since I already had already known it from earlier), but all in all it worked out pretty well. By the next practice on that same week's Saturday, another miracle happened and I got her number. Your number. Yes in case it's not obvious enough, that girl is you. I don't know how to end this nicely so I'm just going to move on to the next part of this messy cloud of thoughts. All that probably seems trivial to normal people because they do this friend-making thing all the time (do they? I think they do), and so effortlessly too. But to me it was one of the minor turning points in my life where I was shown I could talk to people if I tried and told myself I would put in a little more effort to step out of my comfort zone to try and be less awkward. Also it was one of the times you unknowingly impacted my life and changed it for the better, which is partly why I remember it so clearly. People have asked me if I liked anyone in Blast and when I answered with your name, they just laughed it off like it was a matter of course thing, like "duh which guy doesn't like her". Not that I'm surprised; you're drop dead gorgeous and you probably have a ton of guys wanting to ask you out (what am I saying, you DEFINITELY have a ton of guys wanting to ask you out), but my affection for you has never really been about your looks. Not that I don't find you pretty, because I still stare at you without realising it sometimes, but that there are so many things I find more attractive about you than just your looks. Like the way you put your heart into it when you dance. The way you're so graceful, gentle and elegant in how you speak and act. The way you put others before you. The way you dare to aim high and tackle your challenges head on instead of taking the easy way out. The way you're so humble despite being so damned good at what you do. The expression you have when you're focused in your work. All these and so much more that my limited writing abilities don't allow me to put into words. I'm not just attracted to you in a guy-girl sort of way, I also have a lot of admiration and respect for you (and I don't use the word respect lightly). In many ways you're the person I wish I could be. Which is why I don't feel like I'll ever be a match for you, at least not the way I am. You're so completely out of my league, and again and again I've given up on the pipe dream of being with you, but the feelings never go away. So at least I've decided to turn these feelings into my motivation. You make me feel inadequate, but you also make me want to become a better person. You're the one I think of when I feel like giving up. You give me the strength to push on even if you don't know it, and for that I am thankful. I'm also sorry for the things I've done, and the things I should have done but didn't. I'm sorry for the times I've left you hanging, when I was supposed to support and help you but ended up making you clean up my mess. I'm sorry for the times I saw you down and depressed but didn't do anything to help. The guilt still destroys me every time I think about it and I'm secretly terrified that you probably haven't forgiven me since that time. And even if you have, I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to forgive myself. I've been trying my best to atone, to make it up to you, but I don't know if it'll ever be enough. I'm going to just keep trying, however, because that's all I can do. Wow. That was much longer than anything I've ever written. I'm happy that I've been able to be honest with myself and let out all the things that have been bottling up inside me for such a long time, even though everything was in a jumble. I suppose I've got to thank the fact that this blog is more or less hidden and unknown to people I know in real life. On the off chance that somebody who knows me and what I talked about is reading, please just pretend you didn't see anything and carry on with your life. On the really really off chance that YOU are reading this... First, how the hell did you get here, and second, I suppose I'm glad you've read this, because these are all the things I've wanted to tell you but never had the guts to do it. It will most likely be a very long time until I touch this blog again, but for now, signing off.